Tonight, after I got home from the Heineken party (more on that soon!), I looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time - now, I don't mean to sound cocky here, but - I thought, "Hey, I look pretty tonight." And this is important because I never considered myself as pretty or even remotely good-looking.
floral top and sunglasses - thrifted / black shorts from Dorothy Perkins
samba blue element refine from adidas
It was a strange thought and I caught myself off-guard. Maybe it was the unlimited Heineken beers that I had, but I actually stared at myself for a good long while and it felt like I didn't even know who the person in the mirror was. (Wow. So deep!)
And then I realised that the reason why I was caught so off-guard was because I hadn't heard anyone genuinely compliment me in the longest time.
After that realisation, I jumped into bed and that's when I wondered what the fuck I was on. Tonight alone, 3 different people complimented me - on my hair, my weight and my 'new aura' - and to all of those compliments, I simply rolled my eyes, scoffed at them and brushed them aside like they were lies.
When did I become such a histrionic pessimist?
And that's when I realised I've been such a hypocrite lately. I've been complaining about being taken for granted when I have been taking so many people and so many words for granted myself. All of the words that Prince said to me last week suddenly hit me hard.
There he was, trying to help me move on, telling me how great I am, reminding me how people would jump over the moon for me, and pointing out that I knew exactly what I needed to do but just wasn't doing it… and all I did was fail to listen to everything that he was saying.
I guess it's true how they say that the more you hang out with a person, the more like them you become. As such, selfishness begot selfishness; douchebaggery begot douchebaggery; and so on and so forth.
I apologise to everyone I bothered with my 'lovelife' problems: for wasting your time, for whining non-stop without even asking how you were doing, and for being the worst version of me I could possibly be.
This all ends now, though. If someone blocks you on social media without even thinking twice, you were probably worthless to them from the beginning. If someone refuses to fight for you when you offer to walk away to make them happy, you're much better off just walking away.
So, that's exactly what I'm going to do: I'm going to walk away. I'm going to get everything back and block him from my phone and from my life. Because I now know that I deserved much better than what I went through and I deserve much better now.
I've done my part. I've given everything I could possibly give (and more) and I've done everything I could possibly do to make him happy. But since that isn't enough for him; then heck, Imma find someone who'll actually appreciate every lil thing I do, who'd actually jump over the moon for me, and who actually likes me for me - geekiness, weird ears, crazy mood swings and all. :)
Here's to finding peace of mind… finally.
Photos by TJ Leonardo and Nessy Aserit.
